So recently I got some news that literally knocked me down from my doctor.
I held it together until I got to my car and left- then once on the highway the numbness faded and I allowed myself to cry.
I went and told my boyfriend on the phone, allowing my vulnerability to succumb me to more tears and heartache. I stayed in bed for days, cancelling work and not eating.
I started back to therapy immediately, which I hadn't done in years. THAT is how major this secret is. And now, I'm going to put it out there for everyone to read. Why? Because I honestly believe that what I have experienced in my life has given me the opportunity to help others. It's one of the ways I cope with my depression that has stemmed from a long line of genetics.
You see, when something bad happens most people will say something
stupid like "Look on the bright side..." and then tell you why you shouldn't
feel the way you do and to "perk up" instead. Those people may have a
point, but negating your emotions completely isn't healthy. This is one
of those times where I need time to mourn the loss of my body changing
entirely and the outcome of my future changing on a permanent basis.
Those who have lost something without it being a decision can understand
where I'm coming from: looking on the bright, while somewhat helpful at
a point in the future, does NOT help when you need to release other
emotions that are causing an insane amount of turmoil in your soul. You have to express yourself how you see fit.
Needless to say, because of one man's decision to harm me when I was young I have been dealing with Cancer off and on. It has now come to the point where at the age of 30 I found out I was going to need a complete hysterectomy. I have no money to freeze eggs and it is too late to do that now. I have no children. While I have other health issues that have made me consider not having children because of fears I would be a bad mother, that was at least an option I had yet to pursue. Now it is decided for me.
"Oh! But you'll be healthy" or "Oh you can adopt!" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" does NOT help how I feel. It does NOT allow me to feel that you are truly letting me grieve and accept this news in my life.
I will never see those lines on a pregnancy test. I will never feel a life growing inside me, kicking and moving. I will never see those pictures on an ultrasound. I will never have a baby shower, pick a child's name or register for baby gifts. I will never cradle them to sleep, hear them laugh or watch them grow.
Allow me to be sad. Allow me to express my emotions until I am ready to be "back on track". Allow ME to crumble a bit in your arms and cry. Allow me the honesty of what is really happening in MY life. Please give me your support. You do not need to completely understand what I am dealing with to be a friend for me.
I ask you not to gossip and make up your own ideas of why this is happening to me (religious or whatnot)- I do ask that you come to me with questions and I will answer them if I am strong enough.
This surgery will be accompanied by other things being taken care of at the same time- which will make it so I can't work for a while. My recovery will be a long one to say the least.