How to prepare for a major life change in one month

So recently I got some news that literally knocked me down from my doctor.

I held it together until I got to my car and left- then once on the highway the numbness faded and I allowed myself to cry.

I went and told my boyfriend on the phone, allowing my vulnerability to succumb me to more tears and heartache. I stayed in bed for days, cancelling work and not eating.

I started back to therapy immediately, which I hadn't done in years. THAT is how major this secret is. And now, I'm going to put it out there for everyone to read. Why? Because I honestly believe that what I have experienced in my life has given me the opportunity to help others. It's one of the ways I cope with my depression that has stemmed from a long line of genetics.

You see, when something bad happens most people will say something stupid like "Look on the bright side..." and then tell you why you shouldn't feel the way you do and to "perk up" instead. Those people may have a point, but negating your emotions completely isn't healthy. This is one of those times where I need time to mourn the loss of my body changing entirely and the outcome of my future changing on a permanent basis. Those who have lost something without it being a decision can understand where I'm coming from: looking on the bright, while somewhat helpful at a point in the future, does NOT help when you need to release other emotions that are causing an insane amount of turmoil in your soul. You have to express yourself how you see fit.

Needless to say, because of one man's decision to harm me when I was young I have been dealing with Cancer off and on.  It has now come to the point where at the age of 30 I found out I was going to need a complete hysterectomy. I have no money to freeze eggs and it is too late to do that now. I have no children. While I have other health issues that have made me consider not having children because of fears I would be a bad mother, that was at least an option I had yet to pursue.  Now it is decided for me. 

"Oh! But you'll be healthy" or "Oh you can adopt!" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" does NOT help how I feel.  It does NOT allow me to feel that you are truly letting me grieve and accept this news in my life. 

I will never see those lines on a pregnancy test.  I will never feel a life growing inside me, kicking and moving.  I will never see those pictures on an ultrasound. I will never have a baby shower, pick a child's name or register for baby gifts.  I will never cradle them to sleep, hear them laugh or watch them grow.

Allow me to be sad. Allow me to express my emotions until I am ready to be "back on track".  Allow ME to crumble a bit in your arms and cry.  Allow me the honesty of what is really happening in MY life.  Please give me your support.  You do not need to completely understand what I am dealing with to be a friend for me.


I ask you not to gossip and make up your own ideas of why this is happening to me (religious or whatnot)- I do ask that you come to me with questions and I will answer them if I am strong enough.

This surgery will be accompanied by other things being taken care of at the same time- which will make it so I can't work for a while.  My recovery will be a long one to say the least.

HOLIDAY RETAIL COMMON COURTESY RULES TO FOLLOW:

I posted this on my Facebook, but thought I should put it up here too for future reference.

HOLIDAY RETAIL COMMON COURTESY RULES TO KNOW:
1. If there is a long line, have your payment ready, including coupons. MOST places don't let you use more than 1 coupon per transaction. NO we cannot do multiple transactions with a long line. Arguing with us doesn't help. If you need gift receipts tell us at the BEGINNING of the transaction, not AFTER you've paid.

2. If you have a lot of people shopping with you, please have them wait AWAY from the line. Having 4+ people in line just for one person's purchase makes the line longer for no necessary reason.

3. SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU. Retail workers are paid very little and have to put up with a lot.

4. Don't just throw things where you want because you're lazy. Employees have to find and return them to the right place, making them stay at work even later than they should.  AT LEAST take them to the front counter or nearest Customer Service.

5. SMILE. Seriously, it's the holidays. Going up to the register/employee and being an expressionless prick and just acting pissed off because we are REQUIRED to ask if you'll donate to whatever cause is going on is uncalled for. Make our jobs a little happier by being a decent human being to us.

6. If you're teaching your child the importance of money and having them pay their own way that's great. PLEASE be there in case they don't have enough OR need help counting a bit faster if there is a long line. Employees get fussed at by management if lines don't go down at a fairly decent pace.

7. PLEASE know what you're coming to shop for if you want to ask for assistance. In other words, don't walk into a bookstore and ask for help looking for a book but only know the color of it and that there is a person on the front (this seriously happened to me) and not know what it's about, the author or anything else.

8. KEEP YOUR KIDS UNDER CONTROL. Holidays are stressful for everyone, but letting them roam around and just continue on your regular conversation while they harass other people is incredibly rude.

9. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF about how employees look (or at least until you leave the store). Telling someone that they would "look nice if they had their tattoos removed" or you believe someone would "look great with a little more work put into their makeup" or "You can always get your tattoos removed" is atrocious. DID YOUR PARENTS TEACH YOU THAT?? If nobody asks your opinion, then shut up.

10. Don't get all pissy if someone wishes you Merry Christmas and you don't celebrate it. Either way, they're telling you to have a happy day. It isn't like they're condemning you to hell by saying those words.

YOU are NOT ME.

So I bring this up for those of you who do or don't know.
1. PLEASE be careful about tagging me in things related to what I may have expressed to you in private of what I am going through. I don't want everyone knowing my life (believe it or not, there is a LOT more going on than I ever put here).
2. PLEASE do NOT assume that chronic illnesses are a "quick fix" just by something you've heard recently. The 4-5 doctors I see each 1-2 months (if not monthly) and I have worked VERY hard to get me where I am today.
3. Unless you are PERSONALLY a doctor, or PERSONALLY have the illnesses I do, I don't want your conspiracy theories (oh healthcare doesn't really want to take care of you etc or you'd be "fixed") or the "If you just ate differently or did xyz things would be fine".

I appreciate your concern, BUT you are not my doctor(s).  You are not me. It gets VERY exhausting hearing someone say "Oh but I heard on the news" or "Oh I read that blah blah is happening now" - which is great, but still like saying there is a cure for a great disease BUT there is still a process it has to go through (FDA trials etc,  filtering down through lawyerspeak, drug companies manufacturing enough, doctors actually putting their faith in something "just proven" and on).

I DO appreciate your advice, but sometimes when you're actually IN this position day in and day out it just gets seen as obnoxious like I'm not doing everything in my power to feel better. TRUST ME, I would literally take 5 years off my life if I knew I could be pain free for the next 25 years. No joke.

I'm just asking you to see things from the another point of view is what I'm getting at. Some things are a very simple fix. Multiple illnesses combined with one another is not one of them. Be understanding. Get better educated (Wikipedia is not necessarily "educated" since the sources aren't always valid- try actual scholarly sources). Be open minded. Realize you don't have the answers on how to "fix" everyone or everything. Be kind.

Nelson Mandela vs. Chris Kyle = flag at half mast

Before ANYONE gets started, just know that I DO think Nelson Mandela is an incredible person. He conquered so much, did not remain bitter (as I would have been) after years in jail and still rose to the top. He was a force to be reckoned with in terms of doing what was right and still maintaining his composure. Obama asked the country to have the flag flown at have mast today to honor him. He was not part of this country, but he was still an amazing man- and that I can agree with.

I also want to be incredibly clear here: I HATE POLITICS. I am not stating who I voted for here or any political affiliation. I am just expression an opinion of general disgust. You'll see why. 

Now let's flash over to the United States where we have Chris Kyle, an incredible U.S. Navy Seal (you can read more about him and the work he did here:
http://heroesproject.org/chris-kyle-u-s-navy-seal-chief-seal-team-3/) not only served his country, but volunteered to help soldiers returning from war to try and adjust back into the civilian world. Often times these men and women had PTSD or "viewable traumas" as I refer to them where they had missing limbs or other physical damage from war.

Chris Kyle continued to serve even AFTER he had already served his country. Yet, Obama did NOT have the flags flown at half mast for him and did not address the nation for losing such an integral part of winning the war on terror. Yet, the President did address that his condolences were with Whitney Houston's Family after she passed away.

Christopher Scott "Chris" Kyle was a U.S. Navy SEAL who was known as "the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History" (a phrase which was used in the title of his autobiography). Kyle, a Texas native and resident, was shot and killed on 2 February 2013 at a Texas shooting range, and he was buried in the state capital of Austin. Texas governor Rick Perry issued a statement expressing his condolences to Chris Kyle's family "and the thousands of service members that were his extended family," but despite a good deal of public support for the gesture, Governor Perry did not issue a proclamation directing flags to be flown at half-staff statewide on the occasion of either Chris Kyle's memorial service or his funeral. (As noted above, that honor is a traditional one for those who have died while active duty members of the armed forces, but Kyle did not die on active duty, having left the U.S. Navy in 2009.)
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/chriskyle.asp#VJFHoAZaFDK3jC73.99

Yes, yes I understand that in general it is up to the governor of the state if the flags are at half mast generally, but the President IS ABLE to make that call as well.

Here is my point and question: Why are we depriving respect for those in our country who deserve it the most after they have given so much? Why are we not showing future generations the importance of saying goodbye to a fallen soldier after all they have done for our great nation? Come on America, we can do better than this. Shame on us.

Christopher Scott "Chris" Kyle was a U.S. Navy SEAL who was known as "the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History" (a phrase which was used in the title of his autobiography). Kyle, a Texas native and resident, was shot and killed on 2 February 2013 at a Texas shooting range, and he was buried in the state capital of Austin. Texas governor Rick Perry issued a statement expressing his condolences to Chris Kyle's family "and the thousands of service members that were his extended family," but despite a good deal of public support for the gesture, Governor Perry did not issue a proclamation directing flags to be flown at half-staff statewide on the occasion of either Chris Kyle's memorial service or his funeral. (As noted above, that honor is a traditional one for those who have died while active duty members of the armed forces, but Kyle did not die on active duty, having left the U.S. Navy in 2009.)
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/chriskyle.asp#VJFHoAZaFDK3jC73.99

Christopher Scott "Chris" Kyle was a U.S. Navy SEAL who was known as "the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History" (a phrase which was used in the title of his autobiography). Kyle, a Texas native and resident, was shot and killed on 2 February 2013 at a Texas shooting range, and he was buried in the state capital of Austin. Texas governor Rick Perry issued a statement expressing his condolences to Chris Kyle's family "and the thousands of service members that were his extended family," but despite a good deal of public support for the gesture, Governor Perry did not issue a proclamation directing flags to be flown at half-staff statewide on the occasion of either Chris Kyle's memorial service or his funeral. (As noted above, that honor is a traditional one for those who have died while active duty members of the armed forces, but Kyle did not die on active duty, having left the U.S. Navy in 2009.)
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/chriskyle.asp#VJFHoAZaFDK3jC73.99

Christopher Scott "Chris" Kyle was a U.S. Navy SEAL who was known as "the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History" (a phrase which was used in the title of his autobiography). Kyle, a Texas native and resident, was shot and killed on 2 February 2013 at a Texas shooting range, and he was buried in the state capital of Austin. Texas governor Rick Perry issued a statement expressing his condolences to Chris Kyle's family "and the thousands of service members that were his extended family," but despite a good deal of public support for the gesture, Governor Perry did not issue a proclamation directing flags to be flown at half-staff statewide on the occasion of either Chris Kyle's memorial service or his funeral. (As noted above, that honor is a traditional one for those who have died while active duty members of the armed forces, but Kyle did not die on active duty, having left the U.S. Navy in 2009.)
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/chriskyle.asp#VJFHoAZaFDK3jC73.99